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| Guangzhou Hash - Run 892 | ||||
Assessing The Situation After careful examination, Shoeless came to the conclusion that the woman in bed with him was, in fact, his wife Hami Melons. A good start. Looking out the win- dow… clouds, black and heavy, threatening a storm of epic proportions... And, by the powers vested in him… this day’s GOOD TO GO hash would henceforth be known as… LIVE. Now back to assessing the situation… Fast forward to Sportsman’s, 1:30pm… Hash Cash & live hare appointee Soggy Biscuit rolls into Sportsman’s late and in sorry shape, as if just back from an alien abduction of his own. So unawares was Soggy that he was most of the way out to MaoFengShan before real- izing Shoeless had saddled him with first-haring-in-ten- years co-hare Black Sheep. Black Sheep, eying the sad state of the Biscuit, looked less than impressed himself with the state of affairs. Blaahh-Blaahh Black Sheep Mattress Pad and Black Sheep, seated closest to Creepy on the ride out, continued to behave strangely for the rest of the day… we can only hope there are no long-term effects… Alien Technology Scoffing at Shoeless’ offer of some high-tech flower dispersing contraption, Soggy & Black Sheep vanished into the bushes like African warriors. Precisely 12 mismanaged minutes later 10 ass-hungry Hashers exploded after them. But more on returnee No STD later... Mattress Pad and Pink Bitz took charge of the walkers… which seemed to consist only of handing out motorcycle taxi fares and informing walkers that, under no circumstances, should they feel obligated to check for any trails. Lead runners Mi Lao Shu, Creepy Nutz, and Blue Balls ran with surprising agility and lack for personal safety though some serious ankle busting terrain (as your scribe found out three very painful times). Eventually even they thought better of it, though, and slowed to more of a jog. Judging from the razor-sharp grasses & sharpened bamboo booby traps, this island had apparently been some sort of penal colony until recently. The First Full Moon The Mr. Creativity down down goes to hare Soggy Biscuit for leading the pack down the EXACT same route as a hash from last year. As only Shoeless had run that pre- vious hash, and had been relatively young & green at the time, Soggy figured it was all good… to go! About halfway through the run & (more importantly) halfway up a particularly steep & precarious slope, though, Shoeless had an epiphany… Somewhere in that sinister mind of his (clouded by a lifetime doing no small amount of recreational drugs)… Shoeless realized that he had, in fact, run this bitch-of-a-backcheck once before. Young, dumb, & full-of-cum Blue Balls, however, continued charging in a young manly manner on-on up— it was just in the nick of time that Shoeless, yelling ahead, managed to save him from certain death. Black Sheep and Soggy biscuit, meanwhile, had been lying in wait way down below the pack… obviously in order to take delight in the misfortune of others. With Soggy’s evil plot thus foiled, though, he went into a full-on tantrum. Even from half a kilometer away you could see a steam of frustration pouring from Soggy’s hash-aura. In fact, there seemed to even be steam rolling off his ass as, before the hashers’ very eyes, both hares unleashed a duel burst of butt cheeks in our direction. That was “blood in the water” so to speak and, after a burst of approval from the runners, the pack descended in chase. Pig-Fucked Despite running this trail before, Soggy Biscuit’s fixation with swine farms & livestock diseases got the better of him. Leading the pack through the abandoned pig farm, he bet big on a back door exit over the wall & up the hill. Well, Soggy won’t be hitting Vegas anytime soon as, in short order, his “betting big” left the hares staring blankly into a wall of what could only be described as “Shiggy”. It was left to the fearless Black Sheep to bash their way to freedom. Fresh from a country that imprisoned Nelson Mandela for the better part of a lifetime, though… Black Sheep knew as well as any that freedom is not always easily found. Sure enough, while the hares contemplated escape routes down from the top of a well- vegetated hill, who should wander up behind them… but one Shoeless Ho! The ensuing stampede down the homeward-side of the hill claimed more than a few muddy lychee terraces and nearly Ho himself… but he stayed focused and soon trapped the hares down an access road that wasn’t going to access the bus anytime soon. Now nothing makes a hasher feel more like a porn star than snaring a hare, so Shoeless was already on the verge of nutting all over himself when he discovered an added bonus... Soggy Biscuit, holding the tattered remains of a plastic flour bag, humbly admitted that, after putting it down just 1.5 hours earlier as “not part of the program”… he would, in fact, need to use that alien flour-dropping device after all… The remainder of the run, then, was brought to you courtesy of little green men as Soggy put on the afterburners and blazed a trail back to the bus… Only be caught again by Blue Balls & Creepy Nutz about 100 meters from the finish… Anybody Need A Drink? The hash circled up to warmly welcome long-absent re- turnee No STD back to Guangzhou. Having broken an ankle on his last hash, No STD proudly showed all present that both ankles were back in commission. He went on to show that both of his ass cheeks were still intact, as well, despite the fact that no one asked. No STD was getting ready to show his testicles when Shoeless stepped in, saving the honor of such vestal virgins as Seamen Mouth & Fire In The Hole. In other unlikely devel- opments, GM Shoeless Ho was seen expending a reasonable amount of effort trying to get Pink Bitz drunk… and with some success! Mattress Pad was found to be sporting the lone Camel Toe of the day… a bit of a rarity in these post-Paul-Merton times… And butt-man No STD wowed all with his on-a-dime ass-analyzing skills— able to point out subtle differences between the hares’ cans with just a 3-second viewing from a quarter-mile away. There was some confusion as to what team No STD was playing for, but in today’s liberal hashing climate there were plenty of possibilities! In a moment of sadness, pourer Seamen mouth was unchained from the buckets long enough to come up for a fuck-off down down. Despite being from Australia, she was moving to the UK— perhaps, after several generations, her Aussie family had “made parole” and were finally allowed to return from the penal colony. Or, maybe she was just searching for a better life… and a hash where she didn’t have to pour beers the whole damn time. Either way, fuck off you wank & we’ll miss you! Hash Scribes Upcumming Hashes: Friday, July 6— #893, July 7— #895, July 21— #900, Late Aug.— Send your hash related pictures to
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